O rapture! Last night it was the gaming industry's annual circlej(Stop that. - Ed) er, celebration of its own achievements, The Game Awards! But the live-streamed ceremony wasn’t just tedious back-slapping! It was also the host to multiple huge announcements, such as Batman: The Telltale Series (again), The Wolf Among Us 2 (again!) and Gears Tactics (AGAIN!!!).
Waking from my catatonic cynicism, I resolved that I could do better, if only I had an outlet that lent itself to listing games that adhered to certain criteria. Then I remembered! I do! And it’s this!
Presenting the first (and, let’s face it, probably last) annual All Together Then Awards!
The “Very Gouda” Award for Best Cheese
Winner: James Pond 3: Operation Starfish
Runners-up: Perfect Dark, Wallace & Gromit’s Grand Adventures, Death Stranding
Underwater secret agent James Pond’s third rollicking outing (fourth if you count The Aquatic Games) saw the fishy fanny travel to the moon itself, where the nefarious Dr. Maybe (GET IT?!?) is enacting some sort of indeterminate evil plan involving mining “stiltonium” from the very cheese that the stalwart selenic satellite is composed of. As a result of this ripe location, almost every level is made of cheese and they have names like Caerphilly Downs, The Garden of Edam and Super Cheesy Cheese Land. One of those was made up by me. Anyway it gets the award for being even more committed to being cheesy than the actual game Cheesy, which is about a mouse. Whose name is Cheesy. What, you don’t remember Cheesy? That’s like saying you don’t remember Firo & Klawd.
The "Ted Glen" Award for Best Post Office
Winner: Cosmic Spacehead
Runners-up: Animal Crossing, Postal 2, Death Stranding
The humble Post Office is extremely underrepresented in the otherwise extremely location-diverse hobby of The Video Games. Consequently this is never an easy pool of nominees to fill, let alone pick a winner from. After some sleepless nights, the All Together Then Awards Committee (basically me and a stolen bottle of Parish’s gin) decided to give the nod to Cosmic Spacehead’s sterling example of the form, a blissful utopian vision of a world where there is no queue, nobody collecting their pension, and a gloriously open-plan design untainted by cluttersome racks of Glacier Mints, Hob Nobs and Dr. Pepper Zero. This is how Post Offices should be, and therefore I give it my stamp of approval. It’s absolutely first class! Tee hee!
Best Food Contained Within An Object That Is Not Traditionally Used To House Food
Winner: Castlevania
Runners-up: Streets of Rage, Echidna Wars DX, Death Stranding
Look, you’ve got to give a nod to the wall meat, haven’t you? It may seem an obvious choice but believe me, if you cracked a whip at a wall in real life and found a braised ham hidden behind it, you’d be astonished. Yes, Castlevania absolutely walks this category – fitting, because it doesn’t have a “run” button. Indeed, wall meat is your only source of nutrients here, so you’d better get to lashing some plaster lest you have to face Dracula on an empty stomach. Which would be embarrassing and, frankly, quite rude of you to ignore his carefully-placed and freshly-crannied lamb shanks. Just don’t eat the veal. It’s load-bearing.
The "Sexy Parodius" Award For Sexiest Parodius
Winner: Sexy Parodius
Runners-up: Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius, Parodius da!, Death Stranding
Honestly? Sexy Parodius walked this one. This is the longest-standing category of the All Together Then Awards' storied history, and Sexy Parodius has never failed to pick up the gold. The fact is, quite simply, Sexy Parodius is the sexiest of the Parodius series, and it probably always will be. It's got everything. There's a lady's bare bottom. A giant scrotal sack. Even an octopus, if you're into that weird anime stuff. It's a scintillating smorgasbord of sensuality, not to mention some superior shooting. And if you like corn on the cob, there's a massive one of those in it and all. Make sure to save some of that butter!