Hi everybody, I’m back and I’m ready to play every single cocking game on my beloved Master System, regardless of their quality or lack thereof. Remember when I did that for everything on the Game Gear? That was quite good, wasn’t it? Well, that’s what I’m doing here, except it isn’t for the Game Gear. It’s for the Master System, like I just said – pay attention. I’m going to be giving all of them “the old college try”, which means I’ll persevere even if they seem appalling in case things suddenly turn around and I fall in love with it. Stranger things have happened and if you’ve read my lengthy tome All Games Are Good (available now from Limited Run Games) you’ll be well aware that my taste in video games could be said, if one was being quite uncharitable, to be… odd.

Anyroad, unlike with the Game Gear Directory I’m not going to miss any this time, which means imports ahoy. I want this one to be truly complete – and I do intend to cover the Game Gear imports, too, in time – so eventually there’ll be a complete 8-bit Sega index right here. I won’t be covering the same number of games each time necessarily, nor will each write-up be the same length, so please don’t hold me to any kind of consistency outside of my personal guarantee that I’ll be uploading one entry per week until the damn thing is done.

Let’s just get started, eh? Hopefully we can kick off with something excellent to get spirits nice and high. (Stuart notices what’s up first) Oh bum.

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20 em 1 (1995)

Inauspicious starts have nary been less auspicious than this absolute chod bin of a cartridge, which is basically Action 52 but without the novelty of having a game a week for a year. Indeed, you’re only provided a frankly pathetic twenty, less than half the gameplay of the infamous home of the Cheetahmen. Thankfully it’s so unbelievably piss-poor that it’s actually a blessed relief that there isn’t any more of it. Several of the games on offer are basically the same thing slightly reskinned and not one single one of them is even briefly worth playing. There’s no novelty value, nothing even surprisingly tolerable to quell the pain. I take no pride in saying this, because I have no idea what the story behind this piece of software is or what kind of duress the developer(s) were under, but it is almost unbelievably shit. It’s only available as a pack-in with the Brazil-exclusive Master System 3, insultingly making this the first impression many would have of the console. I wish it was named something else so I wouldn’t need to have touched it until later, but here we are. This is where it starts. Honesty and integrity means that I did try out all of the included bin fires and not a single one of them was even passable. I’m genuinely sorry to any and all readers, but mostly I feel bad for myself having had to spend time with 20 em 1. More like 20 em 1 out of five. I suppose that drawing of the frog is quite funny. *

Ace of Aces (1991)

I can make neither hide nor hair of this, but it does seem like quite an interesting little effort. It’s a flight simulator kind of business, allowing you to shoot down who I can only assume are the Jerrys using your handy-dandy mounted machine guns. Pleasingly, it’s possible to change your view to either side of the plane as well as out the front, which lends an enjoyable sense of immersion to the whole thing, as does the rather decent-looking cloud cover effect. The engine noise is irritating as you’d expect, but you can either mute the game or push a sharp stick through both ears. Of course, even having read the manual I am absolutely shite at it. The cockpit is impressively detailed and replete with information, but thankfully it is only an 8-bit simulation of war as opposed to the real thing as not only would I be dead, but likely so would most of my friends and much of the free world. That’s right, it was all riding on me. Sorry boys. **

Action Fighter (1986)

I used to have this one when I was a kid and possibly still do. It’d be buried at the back of a deep, dark closet and I’m just not ready to wade back in there yet. Nevertheless, revisiting Action Fighter reveals an enjoyable and fast paced shmup that sees you transform from a motorcycle into an aircraft in relatively traditional vertical action. It’s fun, but piggin’ difficult; I definitely beat this game multiple times when I was wee, but I’m beginning to suspect I may have always used the cheat codes, which I still remember – entering your name as either SPECIAL and DOKI_PEN. You’re just going to have to trust me that I didn’t look those up. Anyway, yes, not bad at all and a fair old challenge. Great music and entirely solid visuals mean that Action Fighter holds up rather well. ***

The Addams Family (1993)

I love the Mega Drive Addams Family game – in fact, I think it’s a minor classic – but this is very bad indeed, a clear microcomputer port that should never have troubled a home console. Sloppy and unfair design means that it’s eminently possible to lose a life simply for picking the wrong unmarked doorway to pass through, which never feels in the slightest bit enjoyable. In my weird sicko way, however, I do sort of respect the obstinate cruelty such sequences represent, while the rendition of the Addams Family’s iconic theme tune is enjoyable to listen to. Perhaps this sort of thing was acceptable on the Amstrad CPC but not so much here. I will give it a modicum of credit for having some of the platforming energy I tend to appreciate in a nostalgic manner, but I wouldn’t recommend that anybody actually play it in 2016. Or, at least, not for any prolonged period of time. It’s crummy and it’s rubbish, the play control is sluggish, it makes me want to snub it, The Addams Family. On the Sega Master System. Sorry, that got away from me at the end. **

(Next: Ae-Ala)

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