ALF (1989)

Here’s everything I know about ALF. First, it’s an acronym of “Alien Life Form”. Second, he’s some shit puppet from awful American television. Last, he’s back – in POG form. That’s genuinely it, so I go into this notorious ALF video game completely without prejudice, besides the prejudice I’ve already exhibited towards awful American television. At any rate, I enjoyed my time with this game and I feel like I wasn’t supposed to. I think this is one of those often reviled tie-ins that’s held up as a symbol of how bad licensed games can be, but I thought it was mostly alright. It’s a platform adventure thing with simple and logical puzzles that’s a tiny bit like Dizzy, only the items you find are almost always used automatically so as long as you’re in the right place with the right thing you can make progress. Like I said, I don’t know what ALF’s deal is but you move between a pretty typical family home, a busy street and a cave, only the latter of which caused me any issues and that’s only because it’s extremely reliant on patience and precision in the way you have to dodge these quite fast-moving and erratic giant bats. In fact, that’s the only part of the game I could find anything to take issue with and even then it’s just because you’re going to need to retreat a fair few times before the enemies sync their movements in a way that makes it possible to avoid them at all. That’s nothing for me. That’s a day ending in Y. I’ve beaten Manic Miner on Spectrum, ALF’s kindergarten. Okay, there is a bit where you can buy an item called “ALF Book” from a shop which gives you the backstory of the game/series and ends in the rather cruel gag of a forced Game Over that you can’t possibly predict, but I found it funnier than I did mean and it’s only going to get you once. Yeah, I don’t know, folks – I thought this was a decent little game and I spent more time on it than I expected to. You may despise it with the potency of molten magma, but I thought it was an appealing and occasionally funny little slice of silliness. ***

Alien 3 (1992)

The Mega Drive take on Alien 3 is a superb game that’s somewhat crippled by its strict time limits. An action-first linear experience that carries you through level after level as you rescue doomed prisoners while blasting xenomorphs, this 8-bit rendition of the adventure retains the time limits but features much smaller sprites and – consequently – a larger viewing area, which still makes for a chunky challenge but one that’s a lot more fair and less frustrating. As a result, I’d happily call this the best of the Alien 3 bunch and one of the finest games on Master System as a result – I liked it on Game Gear too, but this is the most accessible port and offers the best of all worlds. Nothing about it feels compromised and even if the mini-Ripley and her alien pals don’t seem especially intimidating, many will tell you that “gameplay is king” and this delivers the sweetest version of just that. This is a simple game but a well-designed one that pressures the player just the right amount to have a good time. If you’re completely allergic to time limits of any sort, do not apply, but I dig the heck out of Alien 3. Not the movie, though. *****

Alien Storm (1991)

This game is, again, better known on the Mega Drive or in the arcades, but this Master System version is alright. While one of the playable characters – the girl one – is missing in action, you still get to choose between a hench chap and a robot, both of which bring the same variety-led gameplay to the party. You’ll hop between Streets of Rage-esque beat-’em-up levels into first-person Operation Wolf style shooting with the occasion dip into fast-moving auto scrolling blasting with no individual segment lasting long enough to get entirely tedious. It’s a very limited set of mechanics but there’s some enjoyable variety in the animations – your big bloke will make use of a flamethrower, pistol, bazooka and even his big Doc Martens to take down alien scum, though it’s all based on context and button mashing. You’re also able to evade with a quick tap of Button 2 which makes for a fairly easy game if you play things smart. Good music and decent visuals enhance a fairly shallow experience, but one that I found enjoyable enough to give three stars. A good middle-of-the-road arcade port. ***

Alien Syndrome (1987)

Hmm, nah. This is weak. A shame, because I enjoyed the Game Gear version quite a lot. This take on the arcade “classic” lacks the map of its little brother, as well as almost any challenge to speak of. Moving screen by screen and rescuing hostages should be a feast of top-down shooting, but enemies take so long to spawn into each room that you can generally be in and out of harm’s way before they even pose a threat. Multiple different weapons are available from lockers dotted around each stage, but I couldn’t perceive any truly meaningful difference between them. The boss battles are the only thing that threatens to be a bright spot, given that you’re not likely to be killed by anything else and while there’s nothing wrong with a frictionless game it is a little rum to be presented with a frictionless top-down shooter, you know? This isn’t completely horrible – it more or less works - but it is bland, with every stage feeling pretty much exactly the same as the last. Tension-free and easy to ignore. As well you should. *

Altered Beast (1989)

Oh dear. Last time I said Altered Beast wasn’t a very good game, my opinion was quite poorly received – I was taken aback by this, primarily because I was right, but the spectacle-first conversion on Mega Drive has inarguable stature as the console’s original pack-in game and it was undoubtedly a thoroughly impressive port of the arcade original. This Master System version, however, is excrement and if anyone wants to come at me for saying that I would be happy to fight you anywhere. The sprites look dreadful and almost constantly flicker, the movement is slow, stilted and choppy, the controls are unresponsive… the whole thing just feels consistently like you’re fighting against it. Any charm the game may ever have had is very much missing in action here. Much like After Burner on Master System, they shouldn’t have bothered making this, or at the very least they ought to have created something more bespoke that happens to carry the same name; that’s the lesson Sega evidently learned quickly as games such as Line of Fire will end up doing just that. Altered Beast, however, is a wash. Rise from your grave? Get back in your bloody grave, more like. *

(Next: An-Ar)

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