Captain Silver (1988)

This is a cheerful, simple platformer from Data East. A conversion of the 1987 arcade game, it’s quite primitive in a way that reminded me of Pac-Land, but reminding me of that fabulous game is always welcome. You basically trot along swiping your sword at the nicely-drawn enemies, a sword that has a surprising range of motion and can defeat threats from above as well as to the side. As you go, destroyed critters will drop letters that spell out CAPTAIN SILVER, which you may recall is the name of the game, though not that of the main character, who is apparently named Jim Aykroyd. With no comment to pass on that situation, gathering all the letters will net you an extra life, which is nice. A less nice witch is the boss of the first level, who I swear to god loses her clothing upon being killed. What’s going on there, then? Sometimes it’s best not to worry about this stuff. I liked this game, it’s got a cosiness to it. Not dissimilar to Black Belt in the way the enemies come at you, but you’re equipped to deal with any situation thanks to a whole heap of power-ups and an in-game shop you can visit. Strangely, the American release of this game has two fewer stages than the Japanese Mark III and European versions. This is because Europe and Japan are objectively better than America. Have some of that! ***

Casino Games (1989)

I don’t know if anybody remembers my reaction to casino-based stuff over in the Game Gear Directory (spoiler, it was heartily negative), but while I was expecting to fully excoriate this wretched simulation of a life-ruining addiction it surprised me by offering a pretty solid little pinball game. I’m told that pinball was once banned in New York due to being considered a game of chance, so I guess it makes some sense to put a table in here. You also get a slot machine which is obviously pointless shit, but there are some nice details such an actual animated coin payout when you hit a line. This is charming in theory but still promotes one of the most actively evil things ever to exist. You can argue all you want that a 1989 Master System cartridge is a pretty benign example – and you’d have a point - but I remain shocked by how widespread promotion of this family-destroying pastime still is, and I hate it because it reminds me of what I see as one of society’s premiere sicknesses. Yes, as a piece of software this has some merit in its presentation. You also get to play blackjack, poker or baccarat if you haven’t got so much as a deck of cards to hand (or any friends) and the in-game hostess is admittedly a fantastic obscure waifu. But overall, no, sorry, I just can’t with this stuff. I hate the notion that casino gambling is somehow glamorous, you know? All this high-roller crap, these people with so much money they can afford to essentially throw it into a sewer. And the people who chase that high and end up destitute, harvested of their hope and their savings. Gambling sucks, this game sucks, I’m done with it. *

Castelo Rá-Tim-Bum (1997)

As you may expect, this is another Brazilian exclusive, based on a children’s TV show that ran between 1994 and 1997. I’m assuming that this tie-in game was so bad that it somehow killed the series. It’s incredibly sluggish with a terrible feel to the handling and movement, but I can’t exactly be entirely sure of how poor it actually is due to being, shamefully, unable to read any of the text. It’s something of a conversation piece, I suppose, because it’s one of the very last new, non-homebrew Master System games. Not the last, that’s coming later, but all this Tectoy stuff really is another dimension for fans. You should have seen my face back in the day when I found out about Brazil’s reception of the Master System, particularly the fact there was a third Mickey Mouse Illusion series game I’d somehow never even heard of. This, then, is something that clearly can’t be accurately reviewed by me – I could sit here and make fun of whatever silliness it offers, but hell, I don’t know the culture. Maybe this is acclaimed, beloved. I will say, on the basis of what I could experience, that it does not seem good at all. I like some of the sprites and animations, but moving your character around is so leaden, so slow-paced and with controls so unresponsive that as a video game, divorced from its license or its context, it sucks ass. Perhaps someone who actually knows something about Castelo Rá-Tim-Bum could come along and explain to me that it is good and I will happily revise my writing, but for now I am simply going to give it two stars because it has the word “Bum” in the title, and that is funny to me. **

Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse (1991)

This was, in all seriousness, my favourite game of all time until The Binding of Isaac came out. I still absolutely adore it and I still contend it is one of the greatest 8-bit games ever made. It’s every bit a match for the NES Duck Tales, with terrific stage design, a smooth difficulty curve, great graphics and sound, a whole heap of polish and tons of secrets in every single level. This is a stone-cold classic, basically. I declare my bias, I examine said bias, and I reject it – this is a brilliant video game. The Mega Drive version is nowhere near as good as this one, while still being a pretty good little game in and of itself. Some of things this game does that impress me would be kind of awkward and specific to waffle on about here, but there are some little tricks done using scrolling and spawning that still make me go “oh, cool”, such as an area that hides a key Mickey has to pick up and use twice in two different places, each of which requires access to and egress from the same room from two different points. It sounds so stupid when I write it out but it’s an economy of design that just seems so masterful to me, yet so casually offered that it’s almost as if it’s nothing. The whole game is just rammed to the gills with cool shit, unique situations, fun boss fights and absolutely nothing that outstays its welcome. If it isn’t the best Master System game of all time, it’s assuredly in the conversation. It’s just the complete platforming package and I go back to it over and over again. *****

(Next: Cha-Che)

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